Missing My Sister

Tom and Laurie



Josh, Nichole and Lauren


Me and my sister :)

I look at the date of my last blog and my first thoughts are I wish it were still that date. I had no idea how much my life would be forever altered the next time I came on here to blog.

Since my sister died I was thinking I would probably never blog again because I couldn’t think of anything positive I could write about life. Even though I’m going through the motions of everyday life, it’s tough and there’s always that sadness in the back of my mind and feeling in my stomach. The pain runs so deep that I have to put myself in “denial” mode a lot to get through most things. I can go from no tears to sobbing in seconds with no warning. Just the other day, I was in my car singing to the radio and I started thinking about her and I started crying out of nowhere. I know it takes time to get through the grieving and I know God will get me through it but some days I don’t see it happening ya know? I know time will help but it won’t ever take it away. I’ve been reading books and praying and reading my bible and trying to keep busy and just surrounding myself with as much helpful things I can. It helps to talk to other people who are feeling that same way and can relate to the pain. Even though sometimes we might bring each other down, there’s therapy in talking about it. I talk to Nichole, Tom, Lauren and Josh often and we talk about Laurie and our feelings. I can only imagine the deeper pain they are going through losing a wife and mother. My heart aches for them always. Laurie would be so incredibly proud at how they are handling this and how they are living their lives. I know our brothers and their families are also missing her so much and we talk about her a lot together too. She has touched many lives. I still run into people who didn’t know what happened and their response is always touching. Everyone loved her and has a sweet story about her.

Last night I was really down and sad and I was looking through pictures and just thinking of so many memories. I know anyone who knows her has many memories of their own. I decided to share some of mine on my blog.









Besides just memories of things we did, I remember what a great person she was. She was so genuinely nice. She really cared about people a lot and was always willing to jump in and help if needed. She was so fun. We had so much fun together whatever we did. We could be stuck in traffic, waiting in a huge line someplace or having someone cut in front of us in line and we’d just look at each other and start laughing. She had a great sense of humor. We would start laughing uncontrollably at things that no one else would get. So many times it was at inappropriate times and if I was trying to stop laughing and be serious she would always make me laugh and sometimes it would get us in trouble. I can still see her covering her mouth and turning her head to try and get control. This is one of my favorite things to think about because that happened often.



I love this picture of her laughing.



She was loyal to her friends and family. I always knew I could count on her. She’s been there for me so much over the years. She was a great sister. She was an awesome Mom. Her kids were her world. She was so proud of them. When we were out she would always be on the lookout for something they might need, whether it was socks for Josh or something to go in the “box” she was working on to send to Nichole or “snacks” for Lauren, I can hear her saying “Lauren loves snacks”. She loved her kids and was so proud of them. She was very devoted to her husband as well and was an incredible wife to him.

We had our routine. I’d usually call her on my way home from dropping Brendan off at school in the morning and she’d be on her way to work at that time. Most days we’d talk until she got to work and even into the elevator. We’d talk on and off all day. As sisters do, we just called each other about every little thing that happened to us or if we had some exciting news or bad news or just wanted to take a break from work and just random things that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. She’d always call when she was walking over to the hospital to make a deposit for work. She’d always call on her lunch, usually she was watching her soaps. I called her all day too. Because we both work on computers all day, we’d E-mail throughout the day too. I was telling Nichole a story the other day that runs in my head a lot. If there was drama at work and she wanted to vent but couldn’t really talk, she’d call me and cup her hand around her mouth and the phone give me short words and I’d have to guess who she was talking about and then decode what happened. She would be whispering most of the conversation. She would always say “Can you hear me?” over and over. It was funny. I can still hear her doing that. She would also call me on her way home from work. To this day, if I look at the clock and it’s close to 5:15 I feel a little emotional just wishing my phone could ring and I’d see her name come across. Emily and I were at the house the other day waiting for Lauren to open the door and I said "I just wish Aunt Laurie would answer the door".

She was truly my best friend. We could sit for hours and talk on the phone about nothing. Sometimes on Sundays we’d read the sale ads together over the phone and tell each other to look on a certain page of a certain ad. We loved to talk about our shows we had in common. She would get frustrated if I had it on Tivo and hadn’t watched it yet. She always knew how to get us home when we were lost, which happened often. We went to concerts that were places I couldn’t even get to or home from. We just had to find a freeway and she knew where to go. I was 14 when she got married and I was her Maid Of Honor (and she was mine). We shared a room and I remembering being so sad when she moved out. We had so much fun when she started her family. She was so young. They were like dolls to us and we had so much fun changing their clothes and taking them places. She was also a great aunt and my kids were very close to her have so many great memories and miss her so much. Brendan told me the other day he remembers how she’d say “Hi Bren” in a certain tone of voice every time she saw him, even during the end days she did that. She loved all her family and nieces and nephews so much.



We were pretty spur of the moment people and we always knew the other was up to pretty much anything. I could call her and say, there’s a concert tomorrow at the Greek Theater that I really want to go to, let’s get tickets…she’d always say yes. We loved to go to concerts. She loved Kenny Chesney. She would always say “Kenny makes me happy”. We’ve gone to so many concerts together and have gotten backstage at a few. We’ve done some fun random things over the years, taking the Hollywood tour of stars homes, getting up at 2 a.m., when we went to bed at 1 a.m., to go to the Pirates of The Caribbean premiere at Disneyland just to stand in line for too many hours to wait for the Red Carpet walk, we’ve gotten up at 3 a.m. to get in line at a particular store for the after Thanksgiving sales, we used to go to Disneyland very often and sometimes would just walk around and go on absolutely nothing but had so much fun. Sometimes we would just go to Downtown Disney just to get our walking in and try to go in every single store to hit ones we had never been in before. We would put our pedometers on and just walk Disneyland too. I remember when we found a store on Main Street that had a section in the back with scrapbook stuff and we were so excited. We used to love the Rice Krispie treats with M&Ms in them at Disneyland on Main Street. We used to share one and somehow count it on our diet. She loved Christmas and loved to shop for Christmas presents. She took pride in each gift she bought. If she had something in mind for someone she wouldn’t settle for anything else. She loved to bake and always baked extra to give away to other families. At our holiday family gatherings we’d all look forward to her baked goodies.



Backstage with B.J. Thomas



Backstage with Vince Gill

I have so many memories of fun times. So many times we’d be somewhere and say to each other “Are we crazy?” What were we thinking? and laugh about it. We have joined Weight Watchers so many times and have had many “last meals” the night before. One time we went to Chili’s and it was so crowded but we waited and ended up eating our “last meal” at 9:00 at night and were miserable! We had to do it though because it would be a while before we could do it again.

I knew we did a lot together but took for granted the little things we did like if one of us was invited to some kind of party, Tupperware, birthday, etc. we usually brought the other along. So many things have come up since she’s been gone and I’ve just not been able to go to things yet. It made me realize the little things that will be missed as well. We knew a lot of each other’s friends. It was just second nature to call each other when we were going somewhere too. We’d almost never go anywhere without inviting the other to come along, picking up one of our kids from somewhere, rescuing one of our kids who locked their keys in the car, even the grocery store we went together a lot.



Disneyland Memories


We had our favorite card game called “nerts”. We couldn’t remember who ever taught us that game. We have been playing it since we were little. We would have an ongoing game our whole vacation. We have even taught other people in our family to play too. As kids, we would play it in our motor home and when my Dad would turn corners we would lay over our game to keep it from falling off. We would be at the Grand Canyon and be upset that we had to leave our game to go see it! We also got those word search books and we would get the same one and then do the same puzzle and race to finish first. We would also sit in the back of our motor home and close the curtain to the front and open the windows on each side and sing as loud as we could out the windows. We always had fun and were very animated.

She also got me into scrap booking and we were each in the middle of doing an album when she got sick and she often talked about needing to do it throughout her whole sickness. We would turn on music and talk and have a fun night. Lauren would join us sometimes and Laurie and I would be amazed at how creative she was, she blew us away.

We went through some tough times together too with our parents. There were so many times we’ve sat at a hospital together or doctor visits or just at home with them at different times when they were going through something. I couldn’t have gotten through the situation with my Mom or my Dad without her. We just knew we had each other and we’d never make the other do it alone. If my Dad’s home called and he needed something, we always went together. If either our Mom or Dad were agitated and having a bad time we sat with them together.

It’s been so long since I’ve heard her voice or seen her and I can’t grasp the concept that I’ll never be able to do that again until we are in heaven together. I have no doubt that she’s in heaven and my faith is strong and I know there’s a reason but I do not understand it now. My every single day is altered so much. I’m so sad for Josh, Nichole, Lauren and Tom too. I know time will probably make things less painful but the sadness will never go away. I know there’s nothing that can make it better right now, even though I know where she is. It’s just part of grieving I guess. I know our whole family, brothers, sister-in-laws, nephews, nieces and her friends all miss her so much. I guess I want to end this by saying what an amazingly strong person Laurie was through this whole ordeal. She had faith and hope and never gave up. She stayed so strong and her biggest concern was not letting everyone down or having anyone be sad or feel sorry for her. In my last real conversation with her a few days before she died she felt so bad that she didn’t buy me a Christmas present and she made me agree that we were going to go shopping together soon so I could pick something out. So sweet! I’m proud of her and how she lived her life. I miss her so much.